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Instant regret. You know the feeling when you say or do something you promised yourself you wouldn’t? About three weeks ago I made a new rule for myself- that I wouldn’t work more than 12 hours of overtime per pay period in order to try and prevent my burnout from getting worse. Fast forward to the end of that week - I had grossly failed at upholding that boundary and was feeling the familiar mix of stress/despair/irritability that makes an appearance when I push my mental reserves past their healthy limits.
I’m willing to bet cold hard cash that you’ve been in a similar situation where you fall back into the trap of the old and familiar as soon as an opportunity presents itself. So why do we do this? Why do we sabotage ourselves when we know better? I didn’t particularly need to go over the allotted limit of overtime that I had set for myself. Sure, it was a nice bonus for my budget but in the grand scheme of things - nothing but a tiny drop in my financial bucket. I certainly did more damage than good to my mental health by working the extra OT.
A while ago my therapist alluded to the fact that I take on an ungodly amount of extra shifts at work because I avoid dealing with real life. She was a lot more tactful in her delivery but that was the general idea. I was a bit annoyed at her suggestion because… she was right. I promptly put her comment out of my mind because accepting it as fact would mean that I would actually have to do something to change the uncomfortable circumstances of my personal life. I wasn’t about to do anything radical like that- I was tired enough as it is.
Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons we don’t want to learn- by replaying the same scenarios over and over again until we make different choices. As my burnout progressed at an exponential rate over the past few months my therapist’s words would keep reappearing in my memory. And I would stubbornly try and ignore them. Suddenly sometime in the past couple of weeks her words took on a form that I felt I could finally wrap my head around: I thrive on, and choose, the chaos that I know how to manage. Working in an emergency setting gives me the perfect blend of organized chaos. On one hand I have no clue what each shift will bring but on another hand there are policies, procedures and algorithms on how to deal with pretty much anything. And when in doubt everything boils down to the basics of ABC’s. It’s no wonder that I prefer to deal with work-related chaos for a set amount of hours rather than work through messy, unpredictable issues of personal relationships that often have no set blueprint.
If you are finding yourself in an endless cycle of stress and chaos, my questions to you are these:
What are you avoiding dealing with?
Are you creating or chosing some of this chaos yourself?
There is no shortage of studies out there demonstrating the importance of rest for our brain function and overall well being. I feel that the point that often gets missed is that we have to consciously put in the work in order to reap the benefits of rest. Working yourself to the point where you are too exhausted to physically do anything else does not constitute rest. Moreover, rest is not a “one and done” type of activity. Consistency is key to breaking the unhealthy cycle of endless chaos.
I’ve realized that I cannot trust myself completely to stick to my rule about working OT, so I have enlisted the help of my friends and co-workers. I now tell them when I am off for a stretch of several days and they have my permission to berate me if they see me at work during that time. I know myself well enough that the fear of public humiliation is usually enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. I’ve had to start having uncomfortable conversations in my personal life in order to stop using work as an excuse to run away from situations that tax my mental health. I’ve also started filling my time with things unrelated to work- like trying to go to the gym 3-4 times a week, writing this blog, scheduling regular self-care appointments (massage, therapy, manicures) so I am not tempted to work too much because “I have nothing else going on”.
The trick of implementing any sort of change is staying consistent. I urge you not to confuse consistency with perfection. When I say that I am trying to go to the gym 3-4 times a week, it doesn’t mean that that actually happens every week. Sometimes I fall off the proverbial wagon and only go once or not at all. I no longer shame myself when I miss the mark because to me consistency means getting back into it and trying again. Change takes time, perseverance and learning to live with the discomfort until it becomes routine.
Now, I realize that I write from a place of immense privilege and I am in no way insinuating that you should follow these exact steps to reduce the chaos in your life. However, I hope that you can try to think about and identify the aspects of your daily life that are within your control, and how you may be able to make things easier for yourself.
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